It beats you up sometimes, it gets in the way of things that you want to do, it tears you up to the point where you almost feel like you cannot live anymore... Some (sadly) completely feel this way.
Yes, there are blessings and yes there are days when everything seems to go great, but what if everything that you've ever suppressed or gone through in your past just decides to catch up on you and prevents you from enjoying in the moment?
What if the emotional and the physical trauma that you have endured over the years keeps you from completing daily tasks?
What if any time a person has angered you and you weren't able to confront them, your pent-up anger releases on to an unsuspecting victim?
I've repeated a few times that life has not been easy and situations have definitely been rocky, but with no one to speak to and not enough funds to go and "sort myself out", it's only a matter of time before I explode.
I've thought about writing down the names of all the people who have hurt me and how they have done so as well as situations in which I've felt angered by, but I wish I had the time to just sit down and do anything.
(This post is supposed to have been done a long time ago and at the moment while typing this, I'm currently not taking care of the billion others things that NEEDS to be done as well. Also, my son, by some strange stroke of luck is having a nap at this very moment. I'm not going to digress any more, let me carry on...)
Recently, a Kinesiologist needed to finish up her case studies and asked if there were any people who experienced any of the symptoms that she had listed and of course, I had experienced most of them!
So last week I went to two sessions with her and thereafter I was given homework:
My homework was to write down every situation that I've ever felt angered in and every single person who had angered me, in MY ENTIRE LIFE. I was to write this down on Day 1. On Day 2, read everything that I had written and add to it (because experience has thought us that there will be more things that I would want to add on later on). Then on Day 3, after re-reading the entire list and after making sure that every bit of anger and angered situation has been documented throughout the many years of my life, burn those pages.
My husband said that he told me to do this years ago and this really seems like a logical thing to do to move on. But I couldn't manage to do this then and after years of knowing this Kinesiologist, I only recently managed to commit to going through for more than one session. It's all about timing - when I'm ready; me and only me, I am able to change or take control of my situation. It's also to do with letting go.
Yes, of course I want to move on with my life. I want to get out of this situation and I want to move forward, I want to stop feeling like my body can't manage and I'm lethargic all the time.
But I'm also the type of person that NEEDS you to know what you have done wrong. It's mostly to do with one of the reasons of my anger - I hate being left in the dark (load shedding nowadays really doesn't help hahaha). In all seriousness though, I have grown up in an environment where communication was definitely not the key; where talking to each other was unheard of, or people to speak to were few, and where lies were told (I include omission as a lie as well).
I will always remember the incident where I had to go somewhere without given any indication as to where we were going to, nor any reason, at this point in my life, I had given up on the questions and this was quite sad as this was still early in my life. We ended up at a place where I had to have some vaccinations done for my first and only trip overseas. I hate needles and injections and the thought of having this done without me preparing for it angered me even more, it created more anxiety within in me and there was no one there who cared.
Fast forward to another point in my life where I wasn't told something to my face, but I was supposed to know and it was sent in messages to someone else. I won't bore you with those details.
I don't understand why people do this.
If someone does something wrong, TELL THEM.
AND ONLY THEM. But also, tell them in a Nice manner.
Telling someone else just shows that you're a shitty person.
You're not sparing their feelings, you're talking behind their back and admit it, that makes you an a**hole. Okay, I'm getting off track now, this might be something I should add to my angry list.
Because of this, I prefer when someone tells me, in a nice manner what I'm doing wrong so that I can better myself. It makes sense that I would want to reciprocate these feelings. If you've angered and/ or hurt me, I want to let you know so that you can stop. If you are doing something wrong or have a characteristic in you that is not really a good trait, I would want you to know about it so that you can work on improving yourself. But we can't tell people. Some people become even worse and some don't even give a damn. Then they will continue mistreating you and your life becomes crap.
That's where the Angry List and burning it comes in.
Although it feels final; it feels as if "now they will never learn" and thoughts arise such as "what if they continue to mistreat me/ others?" Another thought of mine that I can't shake is "What if I forgive and forget the entire saga that caused me pain for my entire life and I've wasted my entire life with these scars of the traumatic incidents, while this person is just walking around and going through their life and now no one will ever know and I/ or others might get hurt again?" It sucks knowing that they've caused so much of discomfort and pain in my life and they just carry on with their life as if they do nothing wrong!
This is my delay. (Also the hardly ever have time thing - but look I put off 12 things now just to write this article!)
But this is not up to me. Other people's actions and reactions are not up to me.
It happened. It hurt. It scarred. It bruised. And it wasted a whole chunk of my life.
But I choose to get rid of these monsters eating up inside of me.
I will let it go And I will make sure that it doesn't happen again.
It's time to make that Angry List.
Nabihah Plaatjes is the Co-Founder of iloveza.com.
She is an Award-Winning Entrepreneur, Change Agent, Published Contributing Author, Journalist, Marketing and Social Media Specialist, a Bachelor of Arts graduate, and has been writing since the age of 9.
Nabihah is passionate about Brand Awareness and Brand Loyalty and uses her knowledge in these fields together with her copywriting, editing and proof-reading skills to bring brands to life.
iloveza.com is a primary example of how she can build your brand.
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